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Oct 18, 2006

SA's cricketing greats - an overview

In keeping with the gale (excuse the pun) force waves from the start of this long cricket season, as an avid fan of the sport, I’m dutifully prompted to spend some time on the ‘legends’ of SA cricket; and perhaps provide some insight into the reason they’re a team to reckon with this World cup.

Graeme Smith: the chubby captain of the SA team, he’s the SA cricket board’s answer to the NZ tactic of giving captaincy roles to college freshmen (“its worked with Stephen Fleming, so it should work anywhere”). He’s renowned for his links to an SA model who left him after he misunderstood her tips on how to bowl a doosra. He’s been credited for having the uncanny ability to allow the opposition to snatch victory from the hands of defeat. Democrats are currently conducting in-depth research on him.

Herschelle Gibbs: probably the most fearless batsmen in the SA team (probably ‘cause of all the pot from the previous night), Herschelle gained instant celebrity status after his 175 against Australia in 2006 (or was it after he ‘forgot’ his bet with Hansie?). He’s been credited for amicably taking over the notorious ‘Jonty Rhodes position’ when the little master retired. The speculation is that the position keeps him closer to the grass.

Shaun Pollock: declared SA’s best all-rounder a few years ago, till they realised the title lead to a slump in his batting average (its been continuing the steady negative gradient ever since). Commentators have used it reservedly ever since. His claim to fame came after using a 1st edition ‘Idiot’s guide Duckworth-Lewis’ to predict the results of a career-defining match. The editor is currently being sued. The proceeds are to be donated to Herschelle Gibbs’s garden (see above).

Makhaya Ntini: credited for being the only SA player to take 10 wickets at the Lords. It’s a closely held secret that high-level diplomatic talks were held at No.10 Downing Street to ensure adequate protection for Makhaya against tempting seducers while in England (for a continuous cross-country relationship with SA) – the 10 wickets were part of the deal. His claim to fame is his classy single to 3rd man to draw level with Australia at the Wanderers (see Herschelle Gibbs). Many reckon he was actually trying to leave the ball.

Jonty Rhodes: No one messes with Jonty… not even me (he's an ex-colleague, you see).

Hansie Cronje: SA cricket’s very own spiritualist, he is credited for bridging the gap between reality and the underworld through conversations with the devil himself (usually after meeting a bookie). His characteristic slog sweep has seen numerous spectators on the long-on boundary suffer flying projectile injuries (one injured spectator was confirmed as a bookie). Theories on the reason for his high efficacy on this particular shot include his constant struggle at swatting the devil sitting on his left shoulder.

Jacques Kallis: only referred to as SA’s best allrounder in close circles and under strict confidentiality (see Shaun Pollock), he’s popularity draws heavily from his role as the 'Sanex shower jell guy'. Since the first release of the advert, the Sanex marketing offices have been flooded with applications from bald, buck-toothed, untanned men looking for opportunities in the modelling market (the ads stopped screening ever since its apparent influence on prominent politicians in SA). Baywatch producers have contacted Jacques for a 2nd interview. The Hoff has apparantly taken to cricket.

(Disclaimer: the comments above reflect the blogger's sole opinion, and is not intended, in any way, to harm the players' dismal record on the field.)